With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
You Might Also Like
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
This is me
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone