I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
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“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”