Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
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FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.