[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
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Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
jesus christ confetti not now
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
If only
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal