I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
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10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him