My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
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I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
tis the season
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”