Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
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@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
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[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I donât even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Letâs do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
[animal noises] itâs only those with a destination who can be lost
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] theyâre great
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
[going to bed]
Wife: I donât have to get up so donât wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
The opening notes of âYeahâ by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonaldâs soft drink cup
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Just found out Iâve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Me, in DM roomsâŚ
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: âbro you didnât even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversationâ and the rest of them started roaring laughing
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
My teen said sheâs too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isnât too old to have a dance party with us?
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, itâs science
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm⌠i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father canât.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends