My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
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[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
58.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.