Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
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Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent