Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
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“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Hey I worked for it too!
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL