Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
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Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.