I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
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I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Good point.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.