girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
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Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…