[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
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[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
we did it you guys we saved daylight
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood