Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
You Might Also Like
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.