I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
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Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language