craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
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Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
These are my roll models.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
lol
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.