My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
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[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost