When I play the kazoo, I play to win
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Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs