Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
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Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*