Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
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I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.