In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
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BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.