I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
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Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.