road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
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“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.