1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
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Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
We’ve all been there…
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
O Wise One….
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Sometimes? I’m slipping