Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
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Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager