ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
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me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
he looks great for his age
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.