*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
You Might Also Like
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.