Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
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The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.