“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
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You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
They’re called werewolves.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again