[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
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art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
gm
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.