me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
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I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.