“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
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My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
courtroom exchange of the day
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I found your tweet-up…
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.