Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
You Might Also Like
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..