her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
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The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.