Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
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Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Name this drama.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots