i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
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wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Never go to sleep after making me angry
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon