the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
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I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Help Wanted
Mood.. 😂
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
thanksgiving in nutshell
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.