Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
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“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
channeling her this year
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.