Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
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All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
That’s classic.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.