hey boy 馃槈 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
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Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Server: Congratulations, ma鈥檃m
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you鈥檙e eating for two
M: Oh she鈥檚 not pregnant
W: I despise you
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don鈥檛 do it.
I repeat, don鈥檛 do it.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can鈥檛 have both.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Imagine owning a dragon鈥ow set yourself on fire, because that鈥檚 what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
it鈥檚 bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we鈥檒l be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*