djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
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*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.