Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
You Might Also Like
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
#Caturday
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.