*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
You Might Also Like
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad