If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
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I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
2022: I can fix it
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of