N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
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Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Yes, but it was never about money
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?