I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
You Might Also Like
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Are we there yet?…
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Oh we’ve met.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Mornin. * use accordingly