You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
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My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads