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the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?