Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
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*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Whoa 😂
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.